Bam talks about sinking boats, the game, doors and egos, on being horny, on being a goat, on who’s the best kisser, on being deadly honest, on absolute love, and stealing brownies.

An interview:

I realized that I loved her when I felt the pangs of pain when she didn’t include me in her list of persons she’ll save from a sinking boat. It was like, “God damn this woman, here I go saving her from a sinking boat and she doesn’t include me in her list?!” I was 16 . I never stopped loving her since then – I’m already 22.

Every man has his needs. But each man’s needs is different. Some men go after women just for sex. I went after women for the game, for the chase, and for the thrill. I needed to get my mind off things and the pain. I was looking for an emotional anchor.

Man, there are no comparisons. Period.

She’s a Virgo. I’m a Capricorn. Those two click. I believed that. For quite sometime we did click. If two people click, sweet things happen. And that’s the story of that. She wasn’t special, nor was she that different, it just so happened that she’s  a Virgo and I’m  a Capricorn.

Some of them are my friends. But most of the time, I’m a big asshole to those who treat me like shit.

I like talking to Sarah more. Simply because she listens and she’s the love of my life.

She was a student in my college. She used to be my classmate before she graduated. We started talking about relationships when her boyfriend cheated on her. I told her, “You should break up with him. Don’t be stupid.” That’s when we became close friends. We’ve been talking ever since.

The love of my life is the best. She left that mark on me. I always think about how she puckers them up before she puts a big one on me.

I don’t like a freaky woman. I maybe horny most of the time, but I don’t go for that. That’s why I prefer propriety and tact when it comes to those things. Woe to those who think otherwise. And hell yes, I think of sex a lot.

Hell Yeah.

There is a reason why those people are unknown. Think of a gang, they all have aliases. Now if one of those gang member’s name (real name) becomes known publicly, it would be easier for the po-po’s to catch them. So it’s best for those names to be left in the past.

She used to pray for me during my hell days. And I treat her like I would a person that I respect. I don’t go around bullshitting her just because she’s a doctor and an educator. I tell her straight up what’s on my mind and what I think is best for my welfare as a student – all these in a manner that is respectable. That’s why she trusts me like that.

We drank. We had fun.

Leadership is a lot like taking brownies from mother’s oven without permission. Good leaders understand that it’s easier to get forgiveness than to get permission. Treat projects and activities that maybe for the betterment of the organization like mother’s brownies. You’ll never know when mother will say no, but you’re always sure mother will forgive you.

Yes, I did.

Men like me don’t tap that. It’s dirty and it degrades women.

If I wasn’t in a relationship, I’d try to get the number of Cheddar.

She tried her best to dry my tears when it was flowing. She tried her hardest to pacify the anger and the rage that I felt. And she tried to hide away the hurt and the pain that she felt when I told her I’m in love with someone else.  That’s why.

No. We already were planning to go to Manila.

ABSOLUTELY! I do, I really do.

It’s the other way around. When I was with them, my thoughts were constantly about her. Her skin, her small brown mole on her cheek, and those to die for eyes of hers… I’m glad I don’t have to think about that anymore – I have her!

Just as long as she didn’t do it for him, I’m cool with it. Now, I’m fucking jealous.

Yeah, I think I am. My blockmate approached me the other day. He said, “Oi Migo, someone is asking for your number when we were on retreat!” Now, if that’s not what you consider as such, then I don’t know what the hell is a person’s standard for one. I’m not being cocky, I’m being confident.

Most definitely, and most probably the slack offs in the group. I’d definitely lay them off in a jiffy. Hard decisions are made by the leader. Those motherf*****s who think they’re invincible because of what their tags say is nothing but sh*t. Don’t let your ego get so close to your position that when your position goes out the door, you ego goes with it. 

Forget about him and do what she can.

Indolence is laziness. The latter just seems classy.

It is interesting to note how words, and language could be interpreted differently by another society. How these words are understood depends  on the lifestyle and culture the society practices. At times, simple phrases – which may mean nothing to the speaker – could be interpreted as something profane and vulgar to the listener. This simple misunderstanding of a catch phrase makes the speaker uncomfortable, and unseemingly red. Fear eats the culprit which makes him drink more than what his body allows him to. His body retaliates the morning after by providing him with a breakfast coupled with a hangover and jitters.

All these because a word and phrase is often misunderstood by the listener, and misused by the speaker.

The only consolation

to this game is

the aftermath and

 - burns of all the

friction, and dueling.

The only consolation

to the unanswered

is the mind’s portrait

of what hurts: at times

gray, at times, colorful.

But either way, it

numbs and makes

the prize weaker.

The only consolation

to this frustration are

the swims and dives

which makes the

mind weak, and the

strings longer.

The only consolation

To the deception

Is the simple

Declination to say

The simple things

Which makes the

Situation rational.

Tupac said, “We ain’t ready / to see a black president.”

He wrote and said those lines in his song “Changes” more than ten years ago. Now that President Obama is seated, Tupac’s song now only resonates of the apartheid and discrimination that Americans felt a decade  and some odd years ago.

A decade and some odd years ago is not that long. It’s not too far away from the realms of memory, and it’s not in the category of, what to our generation is, the 60’s or 70’s – where events seem like myths and memorabilia considered relics.

A decade and some odd years ago is not that old.

It feels surreal that my eyes are witnessing the change most people past our generation longed for. It feels odd that the songs I listened to when I was growing up is now – to be correct – a page in history.

Tupac, it’s sad that you didn’t get to see your songs proven wrong.

I was a lonely man

with nothing to do

but dream –

dream of happyness

and smiles.

I used to close

my eyes and fly

off to the ocean

where I would sit with

everyone I know on

top of purple and green

corrals.

Such joy whenever

we sit down.

I still fly off whenever

I can, but I don’t close nor

dream anymore.

Her love story was beautiful, and I was a part of it, Even if I was the enemy.

I never told this to anyone, not even to my closest friends or family, but yeah, I am hurt, and it sucks.

The worst part of it all is… I am hurt. Hurt because of the circumstances involved to what happened to me. In one of my desperate attempts to be close to her, I told her that it’s alright for us to be friends again – it has been in my philosophy that I would never let anyone be my friend if they screw me over. Being “friends” meant going out and talking, and here comes silly me trying to prove to her that I was alright and that I didn’t hurt by asking her questions about her current man.

“Do you love him,” I asked.

“Yes,” she answered.

That stung.

Our conversation led to some part where she ended up telling me about a time when they almost broke up. She delved into details about how hurt she was and how she cried – I wanted to break his face – but being a good “friend” that I was, I still managed to say something like, “it’s okay, at least you’re still together.”

Why?

Do you remember my poem entitled “Diamonds Glisten More with the Luxury of Love”? It’s about that night when I realized that I really love her. It’s also the night that I realized that what it means to be a man is to shut up and hold in your feelings because the one you want to say “I love you” to is happy with someone else.

But that didn’t hurt as much as when she said, “I take pride in him  waiting for me for 3 years.”

What am I in our four years together? I guess I’m the enemy, and he’s the prince charming. But c’mon, to say something like that is unheard of. Any ex that would hear that would definitely be hurt. I loved her with everything that I have and that’s what she thinks?

So this is what it feels like to be the enemy, to be Bluto instead of Popeye, to be the mad witch instead of Prince Charming, to be the hated keeper instead of the loved one.

I guess I could say that these villains only do what they think is right – I did, and I never thought that I was the enemy.

I didn’t believe him when he said, “When you join us, you’ll have enemies – plenty of enemies.” All I thought was: yeah, yeah, I’m doing it so I could continue doing what I love.

It is lonely on the way there.

If I took multi-vitamins daily, this entry would be longer. If I my brain wasn’t that swamped with responsibilities and want-of-sleep, my justifications and arguements would be more polished and sound. But the thing is, I am sleep and energy deprived – so this would do.

It’s funny how people seem so worked up when they talk about their opinions. It seems like every word and thought they blurt out is the truth. It’s funny because they believe that what they’re saying is absolutely and factually correct. No one asked for your opinion. I didn’t askanyone’s. It’s a fucking waste of time telling me what I should’ve done. What the fuck can I do about the things that already happened? 

Some people just don’t know when to zip their mouths. It’s annoying when people come to the conclusion that they know everything – it seems like they have a solution to everything (except world peace and hunger).

If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be appreciated, SHUT UP.

is just starting. The first steps are already taken. All I have to do is keep on moving forward.

I’ll be off for a few weeks.

If villains think what they’re doing is correct and justifiable, what does that make me?

Yes, I am getting frustrated, and I am writing while entangled with emotions. Yes, I promised myself that I wouldn’t write when I’m sad, depressed, or when my mind is muddled with thoughts of pain. I promised myself that I wouldn’t write like that again because some people find my writings too emotional and unnecessary – that people get affected when they read my posts. Yes, I promised myself not to do that again. Now, I’m breaking that promise. I am a villain – I could do whatever I want, either way, my actions would still be considered incorrect.

I hate it when people tell me that I don’t understand them. I hate it more when they tell me that I don’t try to understand them. I hate it most when those words come from the mouths of people whom I try to understand. Come on, I study Psychology. We are meant to try to understand fucking insecurities and feelings. Yes I am mad. Fuck that.

Since when did being honest connote to being bad? Wooohoo! A thousand saints fall down from heaven. Ever since my hell days, I’ve been a recluse to the people around me about what I really feel since I got traumatized with being emotionally connected. Now that I grew enough balls to finally tell someone what my intimate emotions are, they tell me I’m wrong to do so? Getting mad at someone who divulges he’s scared of this or that maybe the thing to do if you want to be a hero. Hell yeah, I’ll do that sometime – reprimand the shit out of the person who just happened to tell you his emotions. I want to be a hero in my life time too.

I stopped myself from creating a scene, and in return, the bastards tell me that I did something wrong. Try to protect the people you care about from their self-destructing ways and all they do is throw insults and curses at you. Act like you’re not getting hurt with the entire verbal and emotional abuse just because you don’t want them to think that what they’re doing is wrong and that you want them to realize it for themselves, and all you get is the phrase “you just don’t care.” Silence becomes your companion because you don’t want to interrupt their blabbering to show them that despite the shouts and sneers, you still respect them, and all you get is a slap. Now, all of those, the villain did because it was the right thing to do. Only villains do these kinds of things.

Only villains know.